


Vernon Roche, Supermodel

by Daovihi



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Multi, Wet Clothing, big bara tiddies, i stg this isnt porn, wet t-shirt, what am i even doing w my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:24:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daovihi/pseuds/Daovihi
Summary: So, kids, you want to know how the great commandoes Vernon Roche and Ves  singlehandedly defeated the Scoia'Tael?  Well, have I got a story for you.





	

Vernon Roche was really, really, really, really sexy, and it showed.

"Blah blah blah, military tactics, fuck all squirrels, any questions?" Vernon looked away from the map he was pointing to assess his soldiers' reactions.

All of the soldiers were drooling over his sexy body, obscured by way too many clothes in their opinion. Vernon wiped the spit off his shoulders and commanded everyone to "fuck off." One soldier took that order literally. He was shot by Ves' crossbow.

"Did any of you pay attention to what I just said?!" Vernon yelled. Several soldiers jumped, startled by their sexy commander's sudden change in tone. Indeed, they were not paying attention to what Vernon was discussing. They were all too busy staring at his hips. "Ugh, you know what? You're all on your own. I will not be helping you out on this. I bid you good day, maggots! Good day!" Vernon grabbed his stuff, bending over seductively to pick up a coin he dropped. He walked out, grumbling about how the soldiers are never this ill-behaved when they're with the other commanders.

"Vernon!" Ves called out. She had followed Vernon out.

"What?"

"You're going on a murder run again, aren't you?" "Murder runs" are little trips Vernon would sometimes take where he goes into the forest to find members of the Scoia'Tael and kill them to relieve stress and anger. Usually, he doesn't find any, but by the time he returns to base he's usually calmed down.

"…You know me so well, Ves." Vernon sighed.

"May I accompany you? I could also use a de-stressor."

"Sure, why the fuck not. Just make sure not to kill everyone before I get a chance to this time, okay?"

The two of them wandered off into the forest. It wasn't long before they found some squirrels.

"Aw, look at the little squirrel! He's doing a great job at burying all those nuts!" Ves cooed.

"I've always liked squirrels. Actual squirrels, not the elves." Vernon responded.

"Aww, are you saying you don't like us?" A mysterious voice resounded from the tree tops. The owner of said voice stepped out into the light, where Vernon and Ves could see him.

"Iorveth! You regular son of a whore!" Vernon screamed and shook his fist at Iorveth.

"In the flesh." Iorveth performed a fake, mocking bow. "And it's not just me, I've brought all my friends here, too!" At Iorveth's signal, literally the entirety of the Scoia'Tael revealed themselves and got ready to fight. "I must say, you're getting predictable in your old age."

"Oh, shit…" Vernon muttered once he realized how absolutely fucked he was. "Ves. You got any ideas?"

"Just one." She whispered. Ves pulled out her waterskin and yelled. "Oh, it seems we've been had. The Scoia'Tael have clearly won. With your permission, I would like to have some water before I die. May I?"

"Ah, sure, why not? But if you try anything funny, my archers will fire so many arrows at you two you'll look like chickens." Iorveth smugly looked at his archers.

"Oh, thank you, kind sir." Ves turned to Vernon and pointed the waterskin towards him. "Commander! Do you wish to drink first?" Ves vigourously nodded her head.

"No thank you, I'm not…" Ves tapped his arm and pointed to the waterskin. She was still nodding. "You know what? Sure, I'll have a drink." Vernon reached for the waterskin, but Ves stopped him.

"Allow me, sir." Ves held up a hand. Vernon retracted his and opened his mouth. Ves raised the waterskin to Vernon's mouth, and he opened it, anticipating that she would directly squirt the back of his throat.

She did, but that wasn't the important thing she did. The important thing was that Ves suddenly shifted the squirting water downwards, getting it all over his clothes.

"Oh, no. It looks like you're absolutely soaking wet now. Your clothes are sticking to the hard planes and muscles of your manly chest. This is terrible."

Some Scoia'Tael dropped their arrows. Some dropped their bows. A few even dropped their pants, like their leader Iorveth for example.

"Wait a minute, I see what they're doing! Kill them!" Iorveth issued out. 

Vernon and Ves reflexively pushed themselves against a nearby tree. The lone archer that wasn't affected at all began shooting arrows at the soldiers. It's a good thing he wasn't the best shot in the Scoia'Tael.

"Aw, shit. What do we do now?" Vernon asked. Ves glanced down at Vernon's soaking uniform, and he got the gist of her plan. Vernon slowly unbuttoned his outercoat while twisting his body so that his buttocks was clearly visible, making sure to put on a show. He shrugged off the jacket, showing his wet white t-shirt underneath, which in turn showed just how muscular he really was. "Should I unbutton my shirt to leave my navel and whatnot exposed?"

"Absolutely, sir." Ves looked around. Sure enough, everyone was staring at Vernon, and everyone that could get erections did. Also, Iorveth's clothes magically ripped themselves off of his body.

Vernon performed what was basically a strip tease. He unbuttoned his shirt agonizingly slowly, revealing his skin inch by inch. When he finally slipped the last button out of its hole, Vernon took the lapels of his shirt and tugged them away from his body, showing off his wet, hairy, muscular bara tiddies. Ves splashed him with more water for good measure.

Iorveth was the first to faint. He sighed like a lovestruck middle schooler, then he swooned and fell victim to the sexy. Within seconds, all the other Scoia'Tael swooned and fell unconscious, too. Everyone except for Ves were knocked out by Vernon's sexy abs, tiddies, and/or happy trail.

"Well, this took a far better turn than I expected." Ves commented.

"Just shut up and collect the bodies. And cover Iorveth up. I'm going to report all of these horny fuckers to our jailors." Vernon grumbled. He put his clothes back on, and headed off to do just that.

And that is how Vernon Roche and Ves single-handedly defeated the entire Scoia'Tael in not even two minutes.

**Author's Note:**

> I made this in like 1 hour dont judge. Inspired by Vernon Roche's updated gwent card. It looks like he's posing for a magazine cover


End file.
